One Upon a Time when I Mistakenly Declared a : Female!!
Living in the wrong body, Missing parts that won't grow-up &the Shock
Time: Summer of 1980
Location: Middle East, Saudi Arabia..
Report:
A new baby has been added to my family members.... End of Report..!
Report:
A new baby has been added to my family members.... End of Report..!
Gender: Female (But Deep Inside as I grew up....I Figured, it's a Wrong Answer!)
Scream#1:
I'm not a Female, Yet not a Male...I'm Just a Creature that lies in the Middle...... Not a He or a She! I don't know what Am I!!
Reality Slap #1:
In My Place, Having a big family and loads of kids would be a source of Man's Self Imaged Pride among his tribe, especially if his Out-spring were mostly boys... I've never treated like a girl thou, maybe my parents thought that I have a Disorder or something mental... The reason as I realized later that I was spoiled by Granny, the one who always believed in me as Solo...Not Mashael (my Arabic name means Fire Torches)...
My dad treated me like the spoiled brat, and felt like ..(This kid in not a troublesome like the rest of brothers and sisters)...I was the Youngest...and that's why I guess ...My Personality Had this mixture of both (Masculine and Feminine) Touches. Wise and Ridicules at the same time…Mature and Childish in other times.
In My Place, Having a big family and loads of kids would be a source of Man's Self Imaged Pride among his tribe, especially if his Out-spring were mostly boys... I've never treated like a girl thou, maybe my parents thought that I have a Disorder or something mental... The reason as I realized later that I was spoiled by Granny, the one who always believed in me as Solo...Not Mashael (my Arabic name means Fire Torches)...
My dad treated me like the spoiled brat, and felt like ..(This kid in not a troublesome like the rest of brothers and sisters)...I was the Youngest...and that's why I guess ...My Personality Had this mixture of both (Masculine and Feminine) Touches. Wise and Ridicules at the same time…Mature and Childish in other times.
Reality Hurts:
ý
First time I Said I Feel like a Boy, I was 11 years old..! and It was a Whisper to my friend Sahar…Trying hard to express it all in Simple words; to make it easy for her to understand what I'm feeling... She thought I Must been kidding!!
First time I Said I Feel like a Boy, I was 11 years old..! and It was a Whisper to my friend Sahar…Trying hard to express it all in Simple words; to make it easy for her to understand what I'm feeling... She thought I Must been kidding!!
ý First time I realized that all girls in my class were growing up, getting breasts that can be called –boobs. And having their first Period, with these female's mixed Emotions...I was 17 years Old..!
ý First time I Described My Self I said in words (I hate being the Shortest, the Innocent among them... and I feel embarrassed for not having my period like them as well! I have to lie, pretend Because Not having breasts like they do, Or a BF…)
ý First time I Quote ((I hate my breasts and I hate my vagina, yet I've never strongly related to being a man. Can anyone else relate to this, or know of anyone who has felt similar? I have to make a full transition to lead anything close to a normal life. I just feel that even then I may be playing the part of something I'm not.)) It was from the Age of 18 until I reached 26…
ý First time I Questioned My Self,
Scream #2
I Had this mixed feelings, what am I?
I Had this mixed feelings, what am I?
If I were a Man, then why do I have missing Parts?
If I am a Woman like they stated in my Certificate of Birth…Then, why Don't I feel like that?!
Creativity Works:
I Start Reading, More Books…More Resources and More Articles …
Cross-dressing was the Only Solution for this Dilemma at that time…
Me As: Drag King – Step One-
I start doing this whenever there is a party, Costume-themed Ones of course... I felt (Me) but yet, I still have something missing....I Can't Wait to return Back Home and Be Me with No Mustache or a Beard!
This part of me that Never allows me to get convinced or satisfied with the Fact of me having female's parts or even the male's Hidden- parts as well!
Question Needs to Be Answered…. And a Prayer Needs to Be Heard..
Books, Encyclopedia, References, Articles, Newspapers, Internet, and Live- survey…where my Guidance, My Lights in this Darkness…Holy Quran and Prayers…were my Salvation…
I Must Know the Answer for this Question, Even If I had to look for it...Anywhere, no matter what It costs...!!!
I Must Know the Answer for this Question, Even If I had to look for it...Anywhere, no matter what It costs...!!!
Society Cruelty, Individuals Stupidity: &
Scream #3
As in Saudi, Women needs to wear (Abaaya) A Black dress and a Head veil to cover their bodies and heads.
The Truth is, I Look Stupid!
Its Awkward, because I am suppose not to wear this, its Un fair to be in a female role while everything in me screams (I am not) !
Reality Conceal:
I had to adjust myself on this Un-fair Decision; It was fun at the beginning because the 2nd part of this Abaaya, there is the Hidden World of Females...
Reality Conceals me with this (Abaaya was only the gate into a wider world)!
When you dress like girls, you will go to (Female weddings) and You will see that Females world is Full of Lesbians too!! Who Gaze into Naked flesh wearing nice dresses and flirt...Oh yeah I, admit it.. I tried it once or maybe more than once to flirt even If I had to put on a Hair wig to look feminine!! And I got bored easily, Since I am a Home-Oriented person, I decide to Teach My Personal Driver (how to drive) Since it's not Legal for women to drive in Saudi Arabia.
Scream #4
Yeah I Know, WTF!!
We are allowed to have Bitches, who suck their Bosses Dicks to Get Promoted, Whores who would force you to pay for Shagging'em with No Muhram at all!! Lesbians who are lusty enough to Drool Over Gays, Cock Tease Sluts but its (7aram) and Not allowed to Stay Behind the Wheel Driving your Own Car!!
Slap to Reality!
I Start Wearing Male (Thobe) which is the White Dress they used to wear in Arabs Country and Put on Some Mustache and Beard... No One would recognize me at all, but too bad when you can't do it every day!
Shit Happens:
In The Airport, I use to have this Problem every time I Travel ... And Since I travel a lot, I got Used on the Idea of ...
An Officer stares at my passport, where I wear this Head Scarf and then, Look at the person standing in front of him, In a Jean's Pant, and short hair, Looking so Manly! I sometimes had to pass thru Personal (Checking) where ladies have to (Touch) Down there to get sure that I'm not pretending at all !!
Last few years,
I Tried to figure this out through Science and Medical fields, My Doctor Made this Analysis About me:
Sexual-Personality Disorder, An Eclectic- Androgynous Need to be assisted physically with Hormones to correct this Mistake....
Irony:
They Said It's Forbidden! And That I will Burn in Hell If I Changed my Sex! Doctors refused to assist me coz it's a Self-threatening crucial Subject....and I'm still what I am.
An Officer stares at my passport, where I wear this Head Scarf and then, Look at the person standing in front of him, In a Jean's Pant, and short hair, Looking so Manly! I sometimes had to pass thru Personal (Checking) where ladies have to (Touch) Down there to get sure that I'm not pretending at all !!
Last few years,
I Tried to figure this out through Science and Medical fields, My Doctor Made this Analysis About me:
Sexual-Personality Disorder, An Eclectic- Androgynous Need to be assisted physically with Hormones to correct this Mistake....
Irony:
They Said It's Forbidden! And That I will Burn in Hell If I Changed my Sex! Doctors refused to assist me coz it's a Self-threatening crucial Subject....and I'm still what I am.
Not a He or a She, and my Society called me (Lesbian)!! Without any consideration of me being in the Middle. I'm 32 Years Old, Working in a Field where all females are around me, they don't feel comfortable, nor the guys in here as well...
Guys feel I'm too Far away of Being Female thou I had the Curves,and It pisses them off seeing me there in the middle of all the Females while they Cant!! Females are not Comfortable coz they are Afraid of what I Would Be, Lets say More Confused.. Of what Am I...
For Me,
Its not a Gender Changing, Its a Gender Correction, where you put the right Mentality into the Right Body.... I Cant Live as a female, Not anymore ( But Being here) is Giving me more Actions that the L Word Series!!! Especially 2011, Where I Had to Loosen it up lil bit and try coming out......OMG! Have ya Eva Know How Hard to Come-Out for a Saudi Family? (I will Keep you Posted)
So,
Im in the Right Place, With People Who would Relate to What I Feel, and I Do Feel the Same about your Threads..I Came up with a Decision that says: My Name is Solo Ash and I am the Saudi FTM,Your New Eye into the Middle East FTM Community....I Lost My Only Supporter...MY Granny and I Need Support...
I Tweet @solo_Stoner for more info's..
- 2 B Continued-
Guys feel I'm too Far away of Being Female thou I had the Curves,and It pisses them off seeing me there in the middle of all the Females while they Cant!! Females are not Comfortable coz they are Afraid of what I Would Be, Lets say More Confused.. Of what Am I...
For Me,
Its not a Gender Changing, Its a Gender Correction, where you put the right Mentality into the Right Body.... I Cant Live as a female, Not anymore ( But Being here) is Giving me more Actions that the L Word Series!!! Especially 2011, Where I Had to Loosen it up lil bit and try coming out......OMG! Have ya Eva Know How Hard to Come-Out for a Saudi Family? (I will Keep you Posted)
So,
Im in the Right Place, With People Who would Relate to What I Feel, and I Do Feel the Same about your Threads..I Came up with a Decision that says: My Name is Solo Ash and I am the Saudi FTM,Your New Eye into the Middle East FTM Community....I Lost My Only Supporter...MY Granny and I Need Support...
I Tweet @solo_Stoner for more info's..
- 2 B Continued-
